Having shared the celebrations of Part 1, I now go to less than happy circumstances. On March 29 2018, I posted about the passing of a dear friend Benny. On June 18 2019, I posted about the passing of a dear friend Helen. I have known her since she was around 14 years old, and she and Benny were married for 40 years. While her cause of death was noted as “natural causes”, the general feeling is that she just gave up without Benny in her life. i.e. She died of a broken heart.
When I visited North Vancouver last year to visit my daughter Melanie, and son Simon, I also had the opportunity to have a long lunch with Helen, and spend some time with her two adult children. While she was clearly struggling with her circumstances, she was able to smile and even laugh at stories from the past. A few days later, she invited us to her home for a generally light evening.
As we don’t see each other too often due to the distance, the inevitable photographs were taken and below is the last photograph taken of Helen and I.
Just over a week after Helen’s passing, I arrived in North Vancouver. The trip had been planned many weeks earlier, and included another lunch date with her … and at the same restaurant.
As soon as I arrived at Melanie’s home, where I would be staying for the two weeks, the conversation inevitably turned to her “Auntie Helen”. She was Melanie’s favourite Aunt. She always seemed to have a “soft spot” for Melanie and openly supported her when times were challenging.
Melanie told me that when she was advised of Helen’s passing, she was in total disbelief and in fact sent her a text asking her to confirm that she was still alive. Such is the power of the denial stage of mourning.
We (Melanie and I) did a lot of walking together and, on one occasion, we walked past the restaurant where I was supposed to meet her for lunch. The feeling was rather surreal. I have never doubted Helen’s passing, but yet haven’t accepted it either. I have an analytical side which accepts her passing as very sad , but also as a reality of life. There is another side of me which simply does not acknowledge an obvious fact.
Below is our last dialogue from my cell phone:
“Good morning! Thanks again Helen for making time available y’day. It’s so nice to still feel like a part of your family. Also huge thanks for helping out re Melanie and her physio. Same time … same place next year perhaps? Take care. Big hug.
Thanks Colin. Always enjoy being in your company. You make me laugh. Have a safe flight home, and enjoy your reunion with Ray.”
(The curtain falls, and the audience very quietly leaves through the various exits. Soon the theatre is empty, and the only sound comes from a little sparrow somewhere up in the roof.)
Her lips smile but her eyes don’t. It is sad and the whole story feels tragic but then again it feels encouraging too to see how a soul is able to make its decision and also touching now strong the bond with her husband must have been.
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The tragedy of a deep and lasting love. Ironic isn’t it that such a love can cause such desperation? 🙂
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That’s true! Ironic indeed. I also understand your difficulty between knowing that a beloved person passed away but still not being in the state of feeling it as real. When my grandfather died, I noticed that I was still expecting him coming through that door and I would not have been surprised at all. It is weird.
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We’re a fascinating species aren’t we! 🙂
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Oh, yes, we absolutely are! Blessed the day when everybody figures that!
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🙂
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Such a sad but true love story. And what a dear friend you are.
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Thank you.
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The loss of a dear soul is always hard. Here’s hoping that the tender memories you shared will provide you with the comfort you need. 💔
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Thank you Monika. Hopefully I will always have those memories.
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I feel sorry for your loss and send you condolences Colin.
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Thank you. Your thoughts are appreciated.
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Condolences on your loss. We are at the age where we are no longer losing our friends’ parents but our friends themselves. Last month we had a talley of four close friends in eight days. Needless to say, it was hard going.
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Really sorry to hear that Rae but, as you note, we are the generation that will be continually “moving on” now.
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The last paragraph in the brackets is really so sad. 🙈
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These are sad times Suri, and I tried to convey not only the story, but also the emotions. From your comment, I guess I was successful.
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Yes, you were!
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🙂
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A moving post Colin, especially the ending and your cell phone dialogue. So wonderful that you and her could share a special bond through the years! “You make me laugh..” You do have a special gift in that ability! 🙂
Warm hugs to you and Melanie, for the death of a dear one does leave a hole in our hearts. So glad that you both have many sweet memories that can be replayed over and over again. Ones that can bring a smile to the heart, even if the eyes do glisten with tears.
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Thank you Carolyn. These are sad times, but life must go on.
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Yes, it must, even though times like these make it harder. Keep looking for the rainbows, my friend!
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🙂
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It’s not fair, life is not fair and death gives no favours! 💜💜💜
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In fact death is the one and only guarantee that life gives us.
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Yes indeed 💜, so sorry for your loss.💜
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Thank you Willow.
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That is so sad. I am sorry for your loss.
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Thank you Kate. It is so sad that she apparently just gave up.
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I get that although she seems on the young side to give up.
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Yes indeed. Her and Benny were a very “closed” relationship, in that their life was each other. When Benny passed away, I can only guess that Helen saw no reason to live. She had apparently lost a lot of weight and was having grief counselling, but clearly that had no affect. It is a bit of a mystery because she had a job that she enjoyed. She had children and grand-children, and she had three sisters one of which (my “ex”) lived close by. I don’t suppose that we will ever know what caused her to “give up”. Poor Helen. R.I.P. my friend.
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I am sorry for your loss.
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Thank you SciFi. It is hard, but people have had to deal with worse situations haven’t they.
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It can feel shocking how quickly someone can leave us. You have my condolences.
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Thank you TG. It is the speed isn’t it. A long drawn out terminal illness does give us time to accept the inevitable conclusion, on top of which the end may well be a relief that the person is no longer suffering. I have often wondered how people cope with the loss of a close friend/family member as a result of an unexpected incident such as a traffic accident. Thanks again.
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When the death is unexpected I agree that it can make it harder in dealing with the grief. I know from my experience with losing my brother, it made all of us in the family worry more. If my Dad was late coming home from work, I saw my Mom freeze up as she looked at the clock. She was certain that he had been in a car accident. You watch your loved one walk out the door and you worry that you might not see them again.
We all had to learn to not let the fear of suddenly losing another family member paralyze us and keep us from enjoying the moments.
Every parent has some fears when their children start driving, but it was extra hard on my parents when I did. That fear of losing another child was still so strong.
Didn’t mean to make this long, but your comment just brought back those memories.
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Vary valid comments, and so pleased that you wanted to share those thoughts. 🙂
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You are always welcome, and I thought I would add one more thought. One that is lighter than what the others were.
I am very glad to say even though my parents were very worried about me driving I thankfully have not been in any accidents! I just may have a problem with garage doors and mirrors!
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🙂
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I am sorry for your and Melanie’s loss Colin. Losing a dear friend of so many years is like losing a member of family. The strangest or hardest part is passing places you used to meet up, and our neighbour is finding this when meeting their friends in little cafes locally.
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Thank you Di. We will adjust of course but, in the meantime, we can only stare at old photographs and be happy with the memories. I have no doubt that is what Helen would have wanted.
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I’m sure,
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🙂
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