“The Past is the Past” is both quite complex and simplistic. It is complex because most of us (perhaps all of us) have events in our history which we may question many times, and simplistic because it is a statement of simple fact.
A number of blogs I follow have recently posted thoughts about dealing with the past, and this can be very challenging depending on the individual and also (of course) on the specifics causing the unrest.
Past unpleasant (perhaps traumatic) experiences can generally be attributed to what somebody did to us, or what we did to somebody else. The following thoughts/comments are around the latter scenario because sometimes it seems easier to forgive somebody else for their mistakes, than it is to come to terms with our own.
Perhaps that decision we made a long time ago was, in hindsight, simply poor judgment? Perhaps we just listened to the wrong people when trying to decide how to address a particular situation? Perhaps we were given good advice but, even knowing that it made sense, chose to ignore it anyway?
“I’ll expect perfection from you as soon as I can set the example. You’re quite safe for the foreseeable future!” … has been my philosophy to staff, friends and family for many years now. However, while mistakes will always be made, I do have an expectation that lessons will be learned and, hopefully, the mistakes not repeated.
In the context of coming to terms with your own shortcomings in past situations, it is my belief that you have to accept two very basic truths:
None of us are perfect … and that includes you!
Every mistake we make produces an opportunity to learn from it.
Admitting to ones own flaws can be an issue, especially if there is an existing lack of self-esteem. However, there is a reality that everybody will/does make mistakes and, while that must include you and me, it is good to remember that it also includes those around us who may well act to convey quite the opposite impression.
We have probably all encountered individuals who project a sense of confidence about everything in general. It would seem that their life has been perfect. While a healthy ego is a positive asset, it must be balanced with a sense of reality, so while they may not acknowledge their inherent imperfections, it is up to us to recognize that they exist in everybody … in order to put ourselves at a healthy point of reference.
i.e. It is probably a good start in dealing with our own history if we simply acknowledge that, regardless of the images presented to us by various people, we are all imperfect. We can all make mistakes. In fact, just as in dealing with an addiction, the first step to healing is to acknowledge that you do have a problem. (You cannot fix a problem you don’t have … right!)
If you can do that, then you are already ahead of so many others. Well done!
So, if you accept that everybody makes mistakes (including you), and you accept that every mistake is an opportunity to learn so as to avoid a repeat performance, what is next?
Perhaps dwelling on your specific oversight would be a good starting place, and then asking yourself (with hindsight) … “What could I have done differently?” Depending on the issue, the answer could be quite simple, or it could involve more thought. An option may well have been to simply not said/done whatever it was in your past, but you may have had a goal in mind which dictated an action on your part. In this case, perhaps think about alternative ways you could have approached the issue.
If your action was done of out of ignorance of other factors, then you now know for the future. If it was done with no allowance for the potential sensitivity of the issue, then you know to be more sensitive next time. If it was done because you were acting only in your own interests, then you have learned to consider other perspectives next time. All of these examples result in a more educated you, and how can that be anything other than good!
The whole point of the above is not really to prepare for a repeat of those circumstances as that is unlikely to happen, but is intended to reinforce that while mistakes were made, there have been things learned as a result which we can hopefully apply to whatever lies ahead of us.
Remember – None of us are perfect, and we therefore all make mistakes.
Remember – Every mistake provides us with an opportunity to learn and grow.
Remember – The past is the past. It is history and cannot be changed. Tomorrow, however, is an opportunity to live our life using lessons learned from our past.
Just some thoughts.
Spring is just around the corner! That is what we are telling ourselves as our snow has melted quite a lot these past few days, but then …. I can recall being dressed “for the Arctic” one Easter. I can also recall getting sunburned one Easter, so perhaps it is wishful thinking and with minimal basis for it to be true! The reality is we could get pretty much anything for the next month or two.
The pic below is of our town harbour which was totally iced over not too long ago, but the attraction was not the ice flows, but rather the sole Canada Goose mixing in with the seagulls. (You may not see him/her on a small screen). I was trying to come up with a caption for him/her, and thought of “So Spring is right around the corner eh!” or “Hi Gulls! How yer doin’ eh!” or (to the Gulls) “Hi Guys! You don’t mind if I chill here for a while eh?”
What I eventually decided on is below the pic!
“MOM . . . . . . . . MOM . . . . . . . . ! Where are you Mom? MOM . . . . . . . I’m surrounded by a gazillion Gulls! MOM . . . . . . . !”
There was no music planned for today, but then I had some thoughts about music pieces being kinds of milestones! This was made very clear to me this past week … but I am getting ahead of myself, so let me go back in time.
If I reflect musically, I am taken back to numerous recordings which made an impact such that they are associated with a particular time in my life. My father was an ardent lover of Classical music, and had little time for the “pop music” of the 1960’s (my teen years). My mother liked some classical, and some “pop”, but she really liked the soundtracks from musicals such as “Carousel”, Oklahoma” etc. I had an older sister (by 3 years) who was listening to Buddy Holly, Elvis Presley, Sal Mineo, Pat Boone etc. My exposure to music during my teen years was therefore rather conducive to developing a broad range of musical tastes …. and I can revisit certain periods in my past simply by recalling the music.
Let me give you some examples:
Peter Lind Hayes – “Life Gets Tedious” … goes back to the late 1950’s and could well have been the first song I heard which I liked. It was unusual, creative and funny!
Lonnie Donegan – “Cumberland Gap” – Released in 1957, was my first 78rpm record, and I loved the skiffle rhythms.
Bruch’s – “Violin Concerto #1” (3rd Mvmt) – My first connection with a classical piece. I loved the violin tones and the speed of the piece. I later learned that 3rd Movements were typically written for a fast tempo. I was therefore “anointed” into the realm of Classical music by Max Bruch around 1960/61.
The Searchers – “Needles & Pins” – Came out in 1963, but I first heard it at the beginning of 1964 when I was living in a college across the other side of the country to my home.
During college, and for quite a few years thereafter, music was relegated to a rather insignificant position in my life due to unplanned career path changes and a social life, and then in the late 1960’s I met Les who had just moved into a house just round the corner to us. We shared a common interest in music and he introduced me to The Moody Blues “Question of Balance” album (and many others). He played guitar as a hobby (with dreams of public performances) and eventually influenced me sufficiently that I went out and bought one!
What does all this have to do with milestones? The above clearly suggests that music can take us to a specific point in time, and I would not be surprised if many (perhaps all) of you can travel back in time to a point dictated by music. However, this post was not started with the goal of reminiscing over music, but rather the potential ramifications of a journey into the past and being guided by music.
My very recent journey started when I was in FB, and came across an old photograph of Les (ref earlier comments). It was instant recognition because it was exactly how I remembered him, with very long and rather “out of control” hair! Given that there has been no communication since we moved to another part of town (and later emigrated), the question that came to mind was “What does one say to somebody after 50 years?”
The answer was very simple … say “Hi Les. Just found you by accident. Remember me?”
We are now in regular dialogue as we slowly recap our respective lives. Les is still playing his guitar and has partnered with a lady who plays/teaches violin, and sings. They have formed a “contemporary folk” group (aka alternative folk), and were playing pubs and clubs until COVID put an end to that. As I also maintained my musical interests (my book “Just Thinking” includes a number of pieces that were originally written as songs), we are currently in the process of sharing our musical endeavours!
… and all this came from music. Not only can significant time frames in my life be revisited by way of a song, but a common interest in music was a catalyst to restore a 50 years old relationship.
Music does seem to have that ability to create memories, and if you cannot remember too much about specific times in your past, you probably will if you hear the appropriate song! I am enjoying the magic of music, especially during these COVID times … are you?
Life Gets Tedious – https://meandray.com/2018/04/07/life-gets-tedious/
Cumberland Gap – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WRUGuuz7yVo
Bruch’s Violin Concerto 3rd Mvmt – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p5Qhne9qZFY
Needles & Pins – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZFHpEINyZ-E
Question – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NP9iOqdxS8c
The picture (below) says so many things:
The ice is expanding out into the lake. Lake Ontario will not freeze over, but the ice will creep out quite a way before the Spring thaw.
Our temperatures are unusually low. Typically we are around -5C (23F) now but, with a brisk breeze, we have been in the -15C to -18C range (5F to -0.4F).
Grand-daughters are wonderful. Mine made me that hat many years ago.
Daughters are wonderful. Not only did mine raise a wonderful grand-daughter, she also made me that (very long and super thick) scarf!
You can see Carol’s shadow as she holds her ‘phone to take the pic and … finally …
You can see the shadow made by Ray’s leash which, if you follow to its conclusion, will show you a shadow of our beloved Ray!
Some of you are regularly blessed (?) with Canada Geese. They are very large birds which can be a cause for concern. We experienced an incident once where we were on a bridge overlooking our harbour, and were watching a flock taking off towards us. They were gaining height rapidly when air turbulence caused by neighbouring buildings triggered a rapid loss of height … as they were still approaching us. For a few moments I thought we would have to drop down behind the concrete wall along the edge of the bridge, but they all recovered sufficient height to go over our heads and went on their way. The other thing about Canada Geese is that they are prolific poopers!
Those of you who are not in Canada, but are visited by Canada Geese, may enjoy the pics below which were taken yesterday and today (11th). You may even enjoy the sheer volume of this large, heavy and prolific pooper that lives here, and it would not surprise me if you were glad that you do not get so many!
Note: The lake is flat, so those dark lines in the distance are not waves … but more and more Canada Geese!
If they all took flight at the same time, the noise from their wing flapping together with their “honking” would be very prominent, in total contrast with an otherwise peaceful setting.
“Treat others as I would like them to treat me.”
It’s a wonderful basis for living, and I adopted it many years ago. Of course, how effective I have been is open to debate, but I like to think that my “compliance percentage” is quite high. The problem though is that it is often misunderstood. I know that because, when I broach the concept with some people, they respond with “Aren’t you disappointed though when they don’t behave accordingly, or when you go out of your way to help somebody, but they never reciprocate … don’t you wonder why you bothered?”
It is so important to understand that the quote was not “Treat others as I would expect them to treat me”, but rather “as I would like them to treat me.” Understanding the significant difference is important if one intends adopting that concept. An “expectation” that is not achieved can be really disappointing … but a “like” that does not follow through is just a part of living.
There are a number of areas which are important to understand if we are to role model effectively.
We have to understand that each of us is a product of so many factors – parental influences, childhood experiences, teen experiences, location, lifestyle, traumatic experiences, success and failures etc. etc.
Romantics will often stress our uniqueness; our individuality. They are quite correct. Because we are all exposed to so many (and varied) influences as we proceed through life, we are indeed absolutely unique individuals. This means that I need never be disappointed at how “you” behave. I could of course not like how you handle a specific situation, but I just need to remember that your life influences are different from mine. If I can always remember that, then I can accept what you do/don’t do. I may not like your actions in a specific situation, but I can accept that your life has taken you in that direction.
I am reminded of a lesson I learned many years ago when my two teenagers were being particularly challenging – “There is no reason why you cannot always love your children. You may not love what they do, but you can always love them for who they are.” – My issue with that was learning to separate the person from the action. I did not find that easy to do, but it makes so much sense when you think about it. Why should we stop loving anybody simply because of what they did, when all they did was behave in accordance with their life experiences?
We should perhaps each spend a little time to understand who we are … what/who were our biggest influences … who we admired, and why, as we grew up … what made us happy, and what brought us to tears … our emotional highs and lows …. our successes, and our failures.
If each of us was a cake recipe, it would indeed be a very complicated recipe, and each cake would be unique. Once we have grasped that perspective, it is so much easier to accept others simply for who they are.
“Treat as others as I would like them to treat me.”
Does this provide a goal for you to aspire to, or does it simply inspire more thought? Regardless of your answer, somebody once said “Role model how you would like the world to be.” There are more of us than there are politicians so, rather than wait for our leaders to move in this direction, we should simply take charge and demonstrate our desire for a better world. There are millions of us, so can you just imagine what such a common perspective could achieve?
This song was my Post for December 30, 2017 and, as I noted back then, some of the lyrics were questionable. However, the song is worth repeating Continue reading
Don’t comment … Don’t dwell on this past year … Don’t stress over your current life challenges … Don’t worry about next year. Just listen … relax … and have a wonderful Christmas holiday, and here’s a thought to take with you into the new year:
“The things you do for yourself are gone when you are gone, but the things you do for others remain as your legacy.” (Kalu Ndukwe Kalu)
Every now and then, a short video comes along which immediately gets my attention. What do you think about this one?